I hope that you all had a great Christmas this year. I feel very blessed this year. I had a wonderful Christmas with my husband, and he truly spoiled me. Seriously I feel as though I am the most blessed wife in the world.

So I have a bit of something for you to pray about. I am late in starting my cycle. For most women this would be something to be jumping around about and be excited about. Yet for me this makes me nervous. I have tested twice and the tests all come back not pregnant. Okay I can curl up in the arms of Jesus and deal with that. However with my cycle not coming on I am worried that the effects of the surgery have wore off. Before my surgery in September I did not cycle naturally, and since then I have. For someone with PCOS this would be a fear, because with PCOS we do not cycle regularly. Nothing much has changed except for me loosing a bit more weight, so that should help increase the effects of the surgery and not put me back to where I was before. All this to say please pray that if I am not pregnant that my cycle will come on in the next day or two.

Despite being worried about this stuff right now, I got to have a Christmas of dreaming and hoping for the future, so I am grateful to my DADA for that. Thanks God!!!

Well today we are off the the big family Christmas in Kelowna, and we get the blessing of bringing the youngest of our God children with us. These kids are the children of my heart right now, and they will always hold a very special place in aunties heart. Jeral for Christmas bought me a Willow Tree figurine called "Child of my Heart". I wanted it for my special room that I would keep in there as hope and a promise that one day we will have lots of our own kids in our home. However I realize that I am blessed because Sophia and Chloe are the "Children of my Heart" right now! So I do not have to feel guilty about not being a mother and owning that figurine yet. I have two precious little girls and two awesome boys in my life that I get to mother and hangout with on a regular basis!

Enough for now, I need to go get ready! Blessings to all and I hope that you have a wonderful New Year this coming 2009!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Merry Christmas

Hi everyone! Just want to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas. Jeral and I hope that you all have a wonderful Christmas Holiday. We are looking forward to Christmas as a couple tomorrow morning just by our selves before we go and do all the family stuff. It's going to be good. So have a fantasitic Christmas you guys, and a wonderful New Year in 2009!!!!!!

On the other news front, no news yet! We will have to wait and see.

Love you all! Leanne and Jeral

Learning to Have Fun and Be a Kid Again

I am learning to be a kid again. I know that some of you are going what, you have always been a kid and acted like a kid. I am not talking about acting childish and immature (however I have had my many moments like that). I am talking about learning to have fun and learning to play, even if no little kids are around to play with.

I mean who says that coloring in coloring books (and coloring out of the lines) is for 2-12 year olds? Why is is not socially acceptable for a 30 year old to color? Why do we cringe at the idea of asking other adults to color with us. I really felt that Jesus was saying to me in my session with my counsellor this past week to just be a kid and color, and to ask my counsellor to color with me. Oiy!!!! I was a little worried that she was going to look at me all weird and think I was going off the deep end. Instead she said yes, and since I had the felt pens we sat there for 40 minutes and colored. Now imagine seeing a 30 year old and a 60 year old sitting and coloring. What would be your first thoughts if you walked by and saw that? I know I would have wished I was free enough and secure enough to join them. Coloring is fun and enjoyable, so why is it that when we get to a certain age we stop, or we do more grown up things like paint, and if we are not very good at it then we just give up and say we are not creative? Then when we are older and married and we have kids of our own (or babysit) we start to color as long as it is with the kids and not by ourselves. Seriously am I the only one who thinks that there is something wrong with this. I love to color and so I am going to spend more time coloring and enjoy the fun of it, even if others think I am being childish. The truth is children are a lot more free to be who they are then we are as adults.

So I say bring on the coloring books, and the crayons!!!!!!!

My Husband

Okay so I am in the gushing mood yet again. I know that I may not have the perfect marriage. Who does? However I am blessed. So a few days ago my God daughters bought me the Willow Tree Nativity Set and the other sets that go with it. The only thing missing was the Creche that goes with it. I had already decided that I would wait until next year and add to the set with the final few pieces. Well my dear and wonderful husband bought me the Creche today. We were in Kelowna shopping with our niece's and while we split up he went and bought it for me. He was so cute when we got home. He made me go to our room so he could set it up, however I did not know that is what he was doing. So he came to our room and asked me to close my eyes and come downstairs with him. When I got downstairs everything was set up perfectly. I am a blessed woman, and a blessed wife.

Funny as I am typing this out, I realized that Jesus knew how much my heart needed a pick up today. I spent the morning sitting in the back pew at church crying. I am really struggling with watching so many women around me become pregnant. I am also struggling with are we taking our desire out of Jesus' hand if we pursue adoption, or if we pursue other fertility treatments. This is the journey we are walking right now. I know that Jesus will guide us, and I also know that Jesus will love me no less if I fight with him to take control of this myself. Even though I know that I really never will have the control. So today wow, Jesus blessed me, and I will be grateful for the blessing!

My Amazing Husband

I have an amazing husband. I know I say that a lot, and I mean it when I say it. He is over the top wonderful, even on the days we argue. Today he was looking at me, which you know is the norm, because I am so beautiful!!!!!!! :) However today his eyes were just amazing, and he said I was looking at our Wedding Pictures and you are not the same anymore. So I asked him if he meant that I weigh less now, and if he was referring to physical features not being the same? He said yes and that my personality and who I am at my core is different a good different.

Now if that is not a comment that gets amazing sex afterwards I am not sure what is!!!!!!! :) Okay crossing the line with too much information I know. All this to say I love Jeral.

Ridiculously Blessed

The title says it all. I am so ridiculously blessed. This morning I got a phone call from my friend who happens to be the mother of my fabulous "GOD DAUGHTERS". She wanted to come over with the girls and hang out for a bit. I said yes. Well they came with two huge wrapped presents. When I unwrapped them I was blessed my the girls with the Willow Tree Nativity set, Wisemen set, Shepherd and Stable Animals set, and the Ox and Goat set.

I have been looking at them for the past few years and every time I walk away thinking maybe next year I will splurge and treat myself. Well now I have them, thanks to my God daughters and their amazing family. I was jumping up and down when I showed them to Jeral. For those of you who know me well you can probably picture me jumping up and down.

And as I am typing this I am crying. They gave us the gifts as a token of their love and in appreciation for all we have done for them, yet I really feel as though we need to be buying them the gifts and thanking them. Those two little girls and their two brothers have been rays of sunshine and light in our lives, as I have said before they make hearing Jesus say wait easier on us. They have given us so much more than anything we would ever be able to give back to them. So yes I am ridiculously blessed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Straight to the Point

Okay so this may come across as blunt however I am tired of well intentioned friends telling me that I need to change my mind set on how long we have been trying to have kids for. Yes the surgery was only just over 3 months ago, as the surgery definitely boosts or chances of conceiving. However the reality is that we have wanted kids for as long as we have been married. We have prayed for and longed for kids for as long aw we have been married. That is 23 months of us longing to fill our home with children. What frustrates me is that all my friends who have said this have children. And with the exception of one, none of them can understand the heart ache of month, after month, after month of crying because God is still saying wait.

Yes the surgery changes does help greatly. However it does not all of a sudden change our hearts longing from 23 months to 3 months. Life just does not work that way. My heart knows how long I have wanted to get pregnant for, and or adopt children.

There I said what I needed to say.

Best Moment of the Day

So today for some reason I decided to get up and go to the gym with my friend! Oiy, early morning workouts just are not in me. However I am going back tomorrow. I really feel that I need to get my self back in the routine of going to the gym.

Anyways that is not why I am writing this blog entry tonight. After I got home Chloe and Sophia's dad dropped them off and I had the girls for the day. Seriously Jeral and I love having the girls at our place. The girls after being here for about an hour when they went to the back door and started calling out "daddy". When they say daddy at the back door that means they want Uncle Jeral to come home and play with them. Seriously they are adorable. So I called Jeral's cell phone and left a message saying the girls want him to come in. Once he came in from the barns I watched him play with the girls after lunch and watching him play with them was so adorable.

Then came nap time. Jeral put Sophia down and I put Chloe down, and then Jeral and I went down for a nap ourselves. After 30 minutes Sophia started to scream so I got up and picked her up and she fell asleep all snuggled in with Jeral and I. So that was the best moment of the day. Little miss Sophia all snuggled up in her blankie in my arms sleeping as I was sleeping.

The hardest moment of the day was when the girls dad came to pick the girls up. Walking back in to the house and hearing the silence was hard. We have this huge home, and we just want to fill our home with the sound of our children (not necessarily biological, just our children).

The past few days I was okay with the idea f not getting pregnant. However today is a day that it is hard. I am sorry that this seems to be what I blog about a lot. I guess that is because it is so close to my heart, to our hearts. I am ready to give up being selfish and having everything my way, so is Jeral. And we know that we must leave getting pregnant or adopting in Jesus' hands. This is something we have prayed for, pleaded for, and cried for, and no matter what God is good. No matter how much my heart may hurt I choose to say God is good because I know it to be true! So I will hold onto the best moment of the day for today, and say I am blessed that I get to cuddle with my God daughter!

The Journey I am On

I am not sure where to start. I guess that is because trying to explain and put into words what I am about to try to will be hard. I have been in therapy for a little over two years now, and in the last few weeks I have felt as though I have been making huge progress, even though at times the steps I have had to take have been incredibly painful I can see growth.

The biggest reason for this growth is "Little Anna" - You may be wondering who is this "Little Anna"? Well she is me, or more accurately she is my inner child. She is the little girl I once was and in some ways still am. I have come to realize that she is the best part of me, she is the part that feels emotions. loves to snuggle, and enjoys being a girl!!!!! I know this sounds strange and could almost be taken as Leanne has multiple personalities, and I guess if you want to think that well I am okay with that. I know I do not have multiple personalities. I guess if you have ever been in counselling you will know what I am talking about especially if you have done some work on your inner child.

At first when my therapist started talking about taking care of the "4 year old, or inner child," I was not to comfortable with the idea of spending time talking to an imaginary person. I felt weird and yeah like people would think I had multiple personalities. However as I have begun to change and grow, and spend time with "Little Anna", as Jesus and I call her I have realized that my greatest healing moments have come from acknowledging the hurts she had to go through as a child, when I really was that age.

To help me remember that I was just a little girl once upon a time (trust me I for a while thought I came out of the womb as a fully grown adult, even though I knew better), I have a doll. Yes Leanne has a doll, a beautiful and wonderful little doll. When I look at her I am reminded that I once was actually a little child, and that as a little girl I was not able to nurture, or protect myself. She is a reminder that a little 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, and 11 year girl is still just a child, and was incapable to stop anything a bigger man wanted to do.

I know this all may seem a little strange, and yet I am not sure how else to explain how amazing and healing this journey has been. All I really know is that I have an inner child and she is beautiful, precious, kind, loving, gentle, feeling, and she is the best part of me. And now I get to spend time nurturing, protecting, and making sure this part of me gets to heal from he past. I get to put this part of me first, and coming to this realization has also helped me to realize that no matter what happens this Christmas in regards to the baby journey, I will be okay. I will be more than okay, because for now I am wanting to put the hurt little girl first. My adult desire to be a mom as much as it is still there no longer needs to be the focus of today. Who knows what tomorrow will bring (only JESUS)!

They Make it Easier!

So I am once again not pregnant. Last night was hard, very hard there is no way around it. I cried and cried and cried once I realized that I had cycled again naturally. I know I am supposed to b happy that I cycled naturally and I am, yet that happiness is not strong enough to over take the pain in my heart over really wanting to be pregnant. I am not sure how I will make it through Christmas now. I know I will, there will be lots of tears though. Especially since the next time I cycle will be on Christmas Day. So either I will have the best Christmas present ever or my heart will be ripped in two again.

With that being said, I am so blessed. These little girls make everything all better. Yesterday (Thursday) they spent the day with Jeral and I. Man did we ever play hard, and laugh hard. I love these girls, and they make not having my own kids easier. Chloe and Sophia, Auntie Leanne loves you more than anyone in this world. Well okay I love Uncle Jeral more, however you girls are a close second. Thank you for brings so much joy to my life and bringing so much healing to my heart!

In Process

So I have been thinking about something for the past few days. I will begin by saying that this is still in process and I am still in process. I have been wondering if when we get to heaven and we see Jesus face to face if we will feel any regret, or feel sorry for hurting the people we may have hurt while we were alive.

At first when I started thinking about this I thought that this was going against everything that the Bible says in regards to heaven. You know is Sunday school when we are told that in heaven Jesus will wipe away every tear, and there will be no more sorrow, crying, and mourning. So then there would be no way that we would feel regret when we look Jesus in the face and in the eyes when we get to heaven. At least in my mind. However as I was driving home yesterday Jesus reminded me of the story of Jesus restoring Peter when he asked him three times, "Do you love me?" So I read that today, and Peter got to look Jesus in the eyes while he was still on earth, for the rest of that we have to wait until heaven to see Jesus face to face. If I were Peter I would have felt awful looking Jesus in the face knowing what I had done and that he was still choosing to forgive me. So what will make seeing Jesus face to face in Heaven any different?

However I was not totally satisfied with just reading the story of Peter in John 21. I read Revelation 7:17 and 21:1-4. I won't type them out here, so you can go read them for yourself. The short version is that yes Revelation 21:4 says that He will wipe away all our tears, and there will no longer be crying, mourning, etc. However this all happens after John sees a new earth and a new heaven. Not the earth we have now or the heaven that we go to now. Plus the words that He will wipe away every tear would to me indicate that there are tears in the heaven that exists now. For tears to be wiped away they have to exist already. So then a person who dies could feel regret, and be sorry for the things he or she did.

Like I said this is still in process for me. I still have a few more commentaries to read, and one more person to talk this through with. However for me I feel some comfort in knowing that my earthly dad may actually feel some sorrow and regret for the things he did now that he is in heaven.

Blessed

Okay so I am not sure how else to describe how I feel today other than blessed. I got home last night from 2 nights and 3 days in Abbotsford. I am blessed to have many wonderful friends down in the lower mainland area. I was blessed to spend two nights with a friend who herself was at a different silent retreat while the one that was in my home went on.

More so I am blessed to have had God place in my life an amazing counsellor. I know that I have other friends who see her and they read my blog, so just know that we do have, or have had an amazing counsellor in her. She really cares about each one of us. I know I always leave feeling special. I used to be very surprised by that however after 2 years one would think I would be used to it by now. Not yet, one day though. So yes today is a day that I feel very blessed.

And besides all these other blessings, I am blessed to be married to Jeral and live the life that we live together. We have our tough spots as all marriages do, and yet I am blessed, we are blessed. When I came home Wednesday evening he was standing at the door waiting to open it and hug me as he said welcome home. I melted into his arms which was so nice. Funny thing is that we had argued big time the night before I left to go to Abbotsford, and yet that morning we made it a priority to resolve what we could and promised to seek out Jesus while we were apart. So yeah I am pretty dang blessed to have a husband like Jeral! And I know I am gushing, and it is all GOOD!

Getting Tired

This weekend, starting with tomorrow evening I am hosting a silent retreat here at my home. I know some of you are thinking silent, what is that all about. Well Friday night is not silent, Saturday is though. The whole idea is to relax and calm one self and just spending time listening, and talking to Jesus. That may be through His word, or it may be through impressions left on your heart, or it maybe through something else he directs us to lead.

In preparation we have been asked to read 1 Samuel 2:1-10, and Luke 1:46-55. These are the prayers of Hannah and Mary after they had become with child. Funny that the theme verses deal are about two miraculous births, and that is what I am praying for.

One of the ladies coming is very pregnant right now, and know it will be hard to be in the same room with her. I had not thought about this until tonight, or may have though twice before I agreed to allow my home to be used for this. I am excited for what God has in store for every woman coming here and I am afraid that I will get so wrapped up in seeing my pregnant friend, and that I will get stuck on that.

As I was cleaning up the kitchen and setting the living room up I told Jesus how tired I am, it has been nearly two years. I just want to get pregnant and have a baby, my baby. I want to be able to go to the family Christmas with all my relatives and be able to look at my sister and be happy for her with out the pain I feel in regards to my empty womb. I want to be able to go to church and see my friends who are pregnant and not need to leave because I am in tears yet again. And yet I told Jesus that no matter how hard this is and no matter how much it hurts I will trust Him. I am just tired right now and do not have the strength to walk on my own, so I need hi to carry me. I am blessed that I know He is able to carry me and is carrying me. What an amazing Heavenly Father we have, I have!!!!! And He is good in everything He is good!!!!!!

Just an Update

Well I am still waiting for my specialist to get back to me with the results of my operation back in September, because if he did not do the tests that he was supposed to then I have to go back and have the tests done. The hospital messed up the report, and the report they sent out said that I had my tubes tied. So not what we wanted, and so not what was supposed to be done. My specialist reassures me that he did in fact drill my ovaries. I have had to call the specialist office everyday for the last week, and they still have no answers for me. I was promised that by tomorrow they would have the answers that I need. I was told though that unless I am pregnant he will do an HSG test, so I am praying and trusting Jesus and hopefully I will be pregnant.

In other news, I was supposed to be going to a silent retreat this weekend, however due to insufficient numbers we are not going to the camp anymore. Instead the retreat is being held at my house. It should be interesting. So we'll see what all God has for the ladies that are coming. I am excited that I have a home large enough to open up and do things like this in. I am also blessed that I have a husband who is willing to hang out at his brother's house so the ladies can have our house for Friday evening and Saturday during the day.

Other news is that my Grandma Pauls is not doing so well. She is rather sick right now and it seems to be a possibility that where she is living is causing the problems. So I may be bringing my Grandma back here to our house next week for a few days. With me going to Abbotsford every other week having her move in with us is not a possibility because she needs someone around. However if we can give her some rest and some peace then that is nice. So we will see.

Well that is all she wrote. I am going to keep cleaning up some stuff for now!

No Going Back

So the last few weeks have taken their toll on both Jeral and I with a homework assignment that I given by my counsellor. Now that I have told Jeral everything, and I mean everything, I thought that life would settle out and things would go back to normal. However I am realizing that thing will never go back to normal. Just as once my dad chose to abuse me life would never be able to go back to the way it was before. Now that Jeral knows the details life will not go back to the way it was before. However as much as there are some really hard days, I really believe that life and our marriage will become better and healthier now that there are no walls and no secrets. So yeah no going back to the way things used to be.

I have also gone through a period of denial and wishing none of what happened was true. This is normal I was reassured, and a phase that I must work through. So working through it according to Jesus means that no I need to put into words the emotions I felt as a child. Okay talk about Jesus taking it one step further than I want to go. Just getting out the plan cold hard facts was difficult enough, and now I am supposed to put words to my feelings. Oiy! I have never been good with emotions, so I know as hard as this is going to be I will find a way to do this and walk through this phase of the journey. This is something I need to do for myself.

So No Going Back! Life will move forward as I choose to move forward. I am grateful to have an amazing husband to move forward with. He is seeking help when he feels he needs it and that is so good. We truly are blessed to have my counsellor and her husband in our lives. As much as we still have the choice to move forward it really is a blessing to have people cheering us on to continue to move forward no matter how hard it gets. However ultimately Jesus is the best cheer leader and He is the one we rely on to walk through this gunk and to not turn back, and He is the greatest Blessing in our lives!

My Father's Voice

I have been thinking lately about how much I make God my Heavenly Father to be like my earthly father. I used to hear the angry voice my father would speak with when I would listen to Jesus. Even when I would read my Bible and I would imagine what God's voice must be like I would only ever be able to hear the harsh and furious voice my dad would often speak with.

In the past two years I have come to realize that my true Father's voice is gentle and loving. My true fathers voice is one that is firm when He needs it to be, and at times there may be a reprimand, however even in the firm reprimands there is always love in His voice. In the past when I heard harsh angry words it was that I was placing my earthly Father's voice on the voice of God. My Heavenly Father, is never changing He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. It was me who put on Him what He was not.

My true Fathers Voice is one that I know I can hear, even if others doubt it and question it, my faith in His promise that His sheep know Him and know His voice is unwavering, and for that I am thankful!

A Little Yet Costly Accident

So once again I just want to say how amazing my husband is. I had a bot of an accident yesterday. I hit the metal pole of a fence and took out the front passenger end of the car. It is going to cost us about $2000 dollars to fix the car. I could tell that Jeral was disappointed however he has reminded me that the car is just a car and I am what is important. His response was amazing and still knowing I had disappointed him hurt me. I hate disappointing anyone, let alone the man I love, and I am so not used to someone responding out of love and compassion to me. I am truly blessed to have him in my life.

When Jeral saw me crying he hugged me and told me to look at a picture that I was recently sent, as picture of Jeral and I together and I was holding our friends baby boy. Jeral said that the picture represents our future, a future we are trusting Jesus for, and that is what is important. He is right, and I love how patient he is with me, and how he just wants what is best for us. I love my husband, just in case anyone ever wonders, it is not like I do not say it enough, however I will say it again, I love my husband!!!!!

An Opportunity To Think About

So I was asked by an old boss of mine this afternoon to think about becoming an online mentor for youth and young adults. I said I need to talk about this with Jeral, and to seek Jesus on this before I say a yes or a no. Man, the old Red (Leanne) would have jumped at this without even thinking. I guess I am starting to slow down and to think a little more before I jump, which is good.

I must admit that my heart is exicted about this. I have so missed being involved with youth, and I could do this from home. I could sit in my Pj's all day and sit at the computer to do this. So exciting and so good. So we will see. I still need to pray lots about this and make sure that this is a step blessed by Jesus, and if he just wants me to hold off for now then I will hold off. We'll see.

Well I am going to spend a nice relaxing night with my hubby watching a movie and sitting in front of the fire place. Oh I am falling asleep already, so bring on the relaxtion!

Report Mess Ups And Other Stuff

Yesterday was my post surgery check up with my surgeon who is also my OBGYN. When I asked him what he all did while he was exploring around inside of me, because I was unable to make heads or tails of the report I was sent, he said that the hospital messed up and put a wrong report in my file. The report I was sent said that Dr. Upton tied my tubes. I got a little nervous at that point. However he reassured me that was not the case. In his notes that were transcribed clearly state that he inserted the needle into my ovaries numerous times and them used 35 watts of electricity (aka, ovarian drilling). I also asked him what the results of the dye test (HSG) where. He said he does not remember doing one on me. However with a messed up report he does not want to say one way or the other. So I have to call back next week when he has the hospital file in hand and we will decide from there what to do. Right now it is looking like I will have to have an HSG test done while I am fully awake. I was so hoping that I would not have to have this. However we will see. So frustrating.

On other stuff. I am having a rough go of it some days. My husband is so amazing, and yet he has so many questions right now. Questions that I struggle to answer. He is so patient with me, and wow since I told him everything he is also way more understanding. Yet I am still struggling. I want to email my counsellor, and she said I could anytime, and as often as I need too, and yet I keep telling myself that she would want me to be dependant on Jesus, and not on her. Which is true, she is always telling me to ask Jesus what He thinks or wants me to do. A good counsellor will not create dependency or him or her, because once the client leaves the office they have to go back to real life, and for some clients real life is pretty sucky.

My real life is hard right now because of needing to face the past to move onto the glorious future Jesus has for both Jeral and I. However outside of facing the hard stuff I have a pretty amazing life. A wonderful husband who loves and cherishes me, great friends, a wonderful home, financial security, so I have the time I need to work on this stuff. All in all I have a great life, a blessed life. I am just having a tough time taking in everything and getting everything out.

Oh well TIME. That is what I keep hearing time, give myself time. So I will!

November

Yeah for November. I have had this sort of rule that on November 1st I can start listening to Christmas music and can start to think about decorating the house for the Christmas season. I love to decorate that house! This is my happy place thought right now thinking about decorating for Christmas.

I am exhausted. There are no other words for how I feel right now, other than complete and total exhaustion. The last week and a bit has been a process of me unlocking the vault with in me and getting rid of all the toxic gunk in there. It is a process of making room for what Jesus wants to place in me instead. More to come on this maybe when I have more energy.

My sessions with my counsellor were bloody hard and yet they were so good. I am blessed that she knows when to push, and when to nurture, and when to say "Leanne ask Jesus about that." The whole opening of the vault and emptying it began with her, I started to tell her about some pretty ugly stuff and she knew I was leaving details out. I don't know how she knew, she just knew. Most likely a Jesus thing. When I finally stopped holding back I ended up pulling my blanket over my head and crying. I so did not want her to see me cry. However Jesus comes to us in the way we need him, and he sure used my counsellor on Thursday. She asked if I would let he come sit next to me on the floor and if I would let her hug me. I shook my head in a yes way, and she came and wrapped her arms around me, and she let Jesus love me through her as I cried. I am so blessed. I know that she does not do this with all of her clients and then I feel double blessed, and I feel special some how.

I have am amazing husband. I know that they last few days have been rough on him, however he has stood by me, he has held me, and he has reassured me of his love. Yesterday was a rather big day all the way around, and because I choose to be vulnerable and drop that wall that I have kept up so high between us, I know that my husband and I moved to a whole new level of intimacy. We both are just wanting more. More in our relationship with Jesus, more in our marriage, more, more, more. To hear his ask for us to pray with him for MORE last night was amazing.

I think I will end this here. I hope that you my friends are are finding time to rest and to let Jesus love you! It truly is amazing!!!!!!!!

Last week was a rough week no doubt about it and yet we are so blessed. My homework assignment has taken its toll on both Jeral and I. However we have amazing friends who are praying for both of us. Yes it is hard for me to have to remember all this stuff and then write it our s my husband can read it. I have already lived through this stuff. Jeral on the other hand is not reading about the things my father did to me, and that is hard on him. Yet we are making it through this time.

I am also blessed to have an amazing woman walking this journey with me. I know that I can trust her, and I know that she knows me well enough to know what will help me and what will not.

Today I got to spend the day with my God daughters. I love getting to spend the day with them. We found a baby praise DVD that was hidden somewhere and I put it on. The youngest wanted to be held because she was crying, so I picked her up and sang along with the DVD. As I was singing I started crying. I was shocked that I was crying. Then I through tears told Jesus how disappointed I am that I think I am not pregnant this time.

I guess that with my body giving me all the signs that I am going to cycle yet again this month I have let go of the hope that I am pregnant this time around. I won't know for sure until Thursday this week, however since I am not at home then I will wait until that night or Friday morning. I really want this month to be the month. I am not sure how I will make it through all the family Christmas' with famly goo goo gawing over my sister and her being pregnant. She deserves the attention and I want people to be happy for her, and it still hurts. It really, really hurts.

Yet in the midst of everything going on I am choosing to trust Jesus. I know his plans are not meant to harm Jeral and I. I know that he cries with us as we cry, and I know that withholding our desire from us hurts Jeus more than it hurts us, because He is a good Father who wants to see His children happy, however He still does what is best for us.

Well I am going to go take a nice relaxing bath with a warm cup of hot chocolate and Bailey's. Yummy!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tired

That is how I feel today, how I felt yesterday, and how I think I will be feeling for the next few days until my homework assignment is done.

It is interesting I posted on my support group about the assignment my therapist gave me to do and wow the response was actually rather negative. I had to ask my self why would people be so afraid that this assignment would back fire. One thought is that when you have been violated the way most sexual abuse survivors have been the idea of trusting someone completely is extremely scary. Oiy I have had my moments of utter fear the last two days of working on this assignment.

The other thought is that a common theme that came out was that the people who were responding thought that with my husband knowing he might decide this is something he cannot handle and then leave me. And to be honest the thought has crossed my mind. However then I am reminded that Jeral does love me and we have committed to each other forever. I know the stats with Christian Marriages ending in divorce; however when Jeral and I said "I do" that was for life. No matter how hard things get we are committed to working them out, and we have Jesus to run to for help.

We also are not afraid to ask a professional for help. I know that for some people seeking therapy is "airing your dirty laundry" for some one to see. However it is not that way. We are blessed to have an woman who is here to help me and yet is very willing to have Jeral come and to work with both of us. I know that we have stuff to work on. All marriages do. I also know we have some other pretty tough stuff to work through together. My childhood, Jeral's hear and speech, and the fertility journey we are on together. The truth is once we got married our individual journeys joined together. Now we are two individuals walking along the same path. What I do will affect my husband just as much as what he does will affect me.

For Jeral reading the first letter was hard, and in return for my being vulnerable he showed me his vulnerable side and I saw his tears. We still have about 7 more letters to go. I have chunked the assignment so my husband does not have a short 40-50 page book on his hand. This way he gets to read 5-6 pages a night. Easier I think on both of us. During this process we appreciate your prayers. It is not easy and yet I know in the end our marriage will be stronger and our love will be deeper.

Funny thing Jeral the other night after finding out some things during our session with Joy said that he loves me more than he did before. Now that has gotta make a girls heart sing.

A Different Kind of Day

Well today was the first day in a long time that getting pregnant and becoming a mom was not in the forefront of my mind. It was nice. There was so much else going on.

Jeral came with me to see my therapist today so that we could both practice working on our communication skills. Jeral got to pick the minor issue that we would work through, and well what he thought was a minor issue has some deep emotional roots for me that I have kept hidden. Needless to say that when it was my turn to share my thoughts, feelings, wants, sensory data etc., I almost shut down completely, thus the big issue in our ability to communicate. When things get though I shut down. However this time I took a time out, breathed lots, did some positive self talk and risked being vulnerable. Scary stuff for me. In the end things turned out well. Both of us came to a clear understanding of each other, and Jeral was excited that he got to know me better.

On to the second session - this time I was by myself, and after telling Joy some pretty hard stuff that I processed with Jesus in the last two weeks, Joy and Jesus decided it was time to write my husband a letter detailing stuff from my childhood. AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! What the heck? I am still struggling with this, and Jesus gave me a deadline of next week Friday. Funny that is the same day we can test to see if I am pregnant or not, not that this has anything to do with that. So with all of this going on no wonder I really did not think much about getting pregnant today.

Well it is late and I have a big day tomorrow with starting the letter. Please pray for me because this is going to be tough. Tough for me to write and tough for Jeral to read.

Surrender

"Surrender is not something we can do in our heads. It is not something we can force or control by willpower. It is something we experience. Acceptance, or surrender, is not a tidy package. Often, it is a package full of hard feelings- anger, rage, and sadness, followed by release and relief."

~ Melody Beattie - The Language of Letting Go


I will trust in your unfailing love, my heart rejoices in your salvation.

~ Psalm 13:5a

I trust in God's unfailing love forever and ever. I will praise you forever for what you have done; in your name I will hope for you name is good.

~ Psalm 52: 8b-9


I recently had a friend send me an email about faith being trust, and trust being surrender. It makes sense that faith is a form of trust, and that trust is really surrender.

How can I say I trust God and yet not surrender to His will? The answer is I can not, and instead of saying my head gets this and my heart does not, I need to just say that I am not there yet. To try and disconnect the head and the heart to attempt to sell to others that I trust God and have surrendered to Him, may fool them, however it will never fool God because He designed us to be wholly connected. My brain, and my heart are connect and are one. They work together, so if I am not there I need to stop blaming it on one or the other and just say DADA I am not there!

Fortunately for me today I am there. I know that surrendering my deepest desires to be a mom to Jesus is not going to be easy. I don't think it is meant to be easy. I know for today I can let whatever Jesus' will for me in this matter be what it is for today.

Surrender is also a personal process. It is something that only I can do for my self. My husband is not able to surrender for me, my therapist is not able to surrender for me, and my friends are not able to surrender for me. Only I am able to to do that, only I am able to choose that for myself.

For today I do know this and I am there, that Jesus is good, His love is unfailing. He never questions His love for me, even when I question it because I do not get what I want. My heavenly DADA is good right to the very core, and His plan is best for me. So I choose to have faith, I choose to trust and I choose to surrender.

On a different note Jeral and I are driving to Abbotsford today, and we are having coffee with his Uncle and Aunt. I have avoided this for almost two years now. They are people who like to pry and ask a ton of questions, and we know the baby question will come up, and we know that Jeral's mother has told the family everything about my having PCOS. I am starting to feel a little anxious about this coffee time. I am breathing and calming myself down. So if you could pray for us, for me that would be great. Please especially pray that I do not saying anything rude.

Blessings to all!

Leanne

Today I will Trust

Today I Will Trust

Today, I will stop straining to know what I don't know. To see what I can't see. To understand what I don't yet understand. I will trust that being is sufficient, and I will let go of my need to figure things out.

~ Melody Beattie - The Language of Letting Go


Trust in the Lord with all you heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.

~ Proverbs 3:5-6

So every morning I get a delightful little meditation emailed to me, something to ponder besides all the other things I ponder. Today's was about trust and how timely when I just wrote what I wrote yesterday about letting go and trusting Jesus.

I know that I will have many more days to come in which I fight and struggle with taking back my desire to be a mom. However for today I am able to trust. Really that is all Jesus asks us for, to trust in him today. Tomorrow we have no idea what we will be doing, even if we plan things, sometimes plans change, a friend drops by, a phone call happens, and accident - who knows, all we have is today and today I am able to say, "DADA I will trust you with my desire to be a mom. I will not lean on the things I do or the things I understand. Instead I will curl up in Your loving arms and rest, trusting that you know best."

I will trust one moment at a time, and one day at a time! This is what I am able to do and this I believe is all He is asking me to do!

Blessings to you all!

While I was in Church

Okay I know that I am a bad example of what you are not supposed to do in church, however I am just one of those people who does not sit well and listen in Church. Instead I have a notebook and a pen to journal and listen to what Jesus is saying to me.

So today for some reason I felt Jesus wanted to talk about the fertility journey that Jeral and I are on. I know, I know this seems to be the main gist of what I am writing about these days. I have been so afraid that Jesus will allow me to stay barren for the rest of my life just so I can be an encouragement and speak into the lives of other women with fertility issues. Well needless to say that I do not want that, and I do not want to be that woman. However I have spent so much time rejecting what the future may hold and look like that I have missed the right here and now. Does this make any sense? I sometimes struggle with having the right words.

I think that talking about fertility issues in an open and honest way is something that we shy away from. I know I have. For one we start to believe that there is something wrong with us, and for me I started to believe that noting being able to conceive was God punishing me for not being good enough. I know when you read this it almost sounds ridiculous. There are also thoughts of not being fully a women, there is something wrong with me. Thoughts of noting being able to do what I was placed on earth to do. Then we try so hard to figure out what is wrong with us and how to fix it. At least I have. I have read books on PCOS (my fertility problem), and other books on stuff like this. I have thought well if I do this and that then I will get pregnant. The good thing is I am living healthier, and by making that choice I will hopefully live longer. Choosing to do those things though has not helped us get pregnant.

Besides all the physical stuff, the spiritual and emotional stuff gets in the mix too. Try not to stress out, because that works against couples trying to get pregnant. So anytime I start to stress I beat myself up which only makes it worse. I start to think well maybe i need to just humble myself and ask the elders to pray and then Jesus will bless my womb and open it. Guess what all those thing are good and still they do not guarantee my getting pregnant. Once again I start to think and do things as if I am in control of whether or not I conceive a child. The truth is I have no control over this.

I am a woman who is still on the childless side of the fertility journey. I understand how much it hurts and how scary it is to let go of control and trust Jesus with my hearts deepest desire. I hope and pray that I may be a women who one day soon will be on the other side of the journey with babies (lots of babies) in my arms. However I may also have to face that may not be a part of the journey for Jeral and I. Is that okay - my heart says it will hurt and my mind says no not in this moment. However I know Jesus only wants what is best. However today I am making the choice that I am not going to miss the moments to bless and encourage others on this journey anymore. What I forget sometimes is that no matter how I feel on any given day I have Jesus holding me and lifting me up when I feel and struggle to go on. He has got me, and he has got you.

So that is what Jesus and I talked about during Church! I like church services like that!

Blessings to you all!

An Evening Out and Other Stuff

Last Jeral and I got to go out for a nice date. We went to Earls and then the plan was to go see the movie "Express: the Ernie Davis Story" however the movie we wanted to see was not in theaters in Vernon, so we decided to take our time at dinner, and then we came home.

During dinner we talked about lots of stuff. However the big thing that we are talking about these days is whether or not to have the elders/leadership team of our church prayer over us and anoint us with oil. In the past few months we have had 2 people say that they feel we need to take that step. For one couple that was the step took before getting pregnant with their first child. The other person well we do not know him from a hole in the ground.

For me I am torn with this. I am not opposed to talking about our struggle to conceive with our friends, however the thought of having people pray over us scares me. A few months ago when 3 of my close friends came over just to hang out and be with me in the midst of a dark period of the fertility journey. When they asked if they could pray with me, I said that I would prefer that they pray on their own instead of with me because I was afraid of completely melting down.

On top of this I am ambivalent about church. Not about Jesus just about corporate church, and the traditionalism and legalism I see and feel, so then to have our leadership team pray and anoint us with oil for me is also not something I am comfortable with. Do I see myself falling under the spiritual authority of these people. No, as much as thy are wonderful and good people I do not see them as spiritual authorities in my life with the exception of 1 woman who is a dear friend/older sister that I never had.

So where does this leave us. Well, I do have other mentors in my life and we have other close friends that we love and trust and so we are going to ask them to pray with us and for us. This is stretching for me. I am normally one who likes to pray and listen on behalf of others, I am not the one who likes to let others sit and listen on my behalf. This has been mostly out of fear. Therefore we have decided that it is time to stop being afraid of what Gods plan for our future is, especially in regards to children. I am even going to get brave enough to ask my counsellor to pray and listen carefully on this.

Both Jeral and I have been so grateful in the past almost 2 years for your prayers in regards to all of this fertility journey. We do ask that you continue to pray for our hearts, our minds, and our marriage in all of this (don`t worry our marriage is very strong however it never hurts to pray for the marriages of your friends).

Yeah, so that was our conversation last night.

In other news, nothing much is going on. my grandma (the one who is still alive) was in the hospital and now she is home. Jeral and I are heading to Abbotsford this coming week for a night. Short trip and yet we are busy people so short trips seem to be the way we do things lately. That is it I think!

Stuff

So nothing much is happening around here. I hope that you all had a great Thanks Giving.

We ate and then ate some more. On the Saturday my mom made a huge dinner at her place, which included making three pies. And people wonder where I get my knack for making too much. Actually I have become one of those people who always makes extra at every meal just in case someone shows up. That way there is always food ready for a friend!

Then on Monday we had dinner with Jeral's brother's family, and another family that we are friends with. And once again there was a ton of food, and it was sooooooooooo good.

A little side note - Honestly I think that we need to eat more as friends and family. There is nothing like food to bring people together.

So here are a few things that I am thankful for.

1) Having Jesus in my life
2) My amazing husband - who I love more and more ever day
3) Family - even the ones that drive me crazy
4) Good friends - friends are the family you choose and I have a great chosen family!
5) For the blessing of not having to work - it has only taken me just over a year to finally get the lesson and the need for me to just rest and not be so busy!
6) A good cup of coffee on the mornings that I am up way to early.
7) My lovely home and farm
8)All my nieces and nephews (this includes all the ones we have adopted along the way -we love you all)!
9) Chloe and Sophia Bartel - you two sweet little girls have made the journey towards being parents easier on Uncle Jeral and I by blessing us with being in our lives! We love you girls!
10) The ability to learn and grow and change.

Well I believe that I will stop my list there for today. I have much to be thankful for, and I need to remember that in the midst of wanting one thing so badly it is easy to get caught up in that one thing, and forget about all the other good stuff that Jesus has showered down upon us!

Hope you are all well. Blessings!

Leanne

Ps- with going private I have also changed the look of my blog. I think I look good in pink!!!!!! Plus I was having some issues with the appearance of the other blog so changing things up is good. Also what else is a girl to do at 4:30 am when she is wide awake?!?!?!

So I have Made the Blog Private

So it is offical my blog is private now. Sorry to all who have to now sign into read what is going on in our lives, however that is life!

I have an Amazing Husband

I just wanted to say that I have an amazing husband. I love him so much, and some days feel so undeserving of his love. I know, I know I need to work on that whole feeling of being deserving of love or not thing.

He has been incredibly patient with me and loving despite all my ups and downs, victories, progress, and set backs as I journey towards health and healing from old Childhood wounds. He never ceases to amaze me at how gentle and tender he is. I truly have an amazing husband, not perfect and yet amazing none the less.

I love you Jeral always and forever!

Thinking About Making my Blog Private

So due to the reality that sooner or later someone who I never intended to read my would read my blog I am seriously considering making my blog a private blog. I ofter use my blog to vent. Not all the time however some times, so I am thinking hard about making my blog private.

If you have any feed back let me know. One of the reasons I have not yet made it private was due to the fact that I myself do not always like to sign in so I can read the blogs of others. However, if I am being lazy then I am being lazy. There are some people with out gmail accounts that I want to have access to my blog. Oh well, they may just have to get gmail accounts and that is it.

I have other news I want to put up here however I think I will wait until I have decided whether or not to make the blog private!

I hope you guys are all well and that you have a fantastic Thanksgiving weekend!

Blessings, Leanne

One Level of Success

So there is officially one level of success to my surgery. No I am not pregnant. For Jeral and I that is the ultimate level of success. However (sorry boys you may just want to go read a different persons blog at this point) I cycled naturally. Yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Which is one level of success. And hey we will take this because it will decrease my chances of ovarian cancer and uterine cancer. So I will take this as something amazing. So with this it also means that we are not going to wait to see if I am ovulating with my cycles or if they are an-ovulatory, so starting in 5 days I will be back on a lovely drug called clomid. If you could just please keep praying with us. I know after awhile it is easy to forget, so please pray this works! Thanks guys!

I am also back in the land of peace. Maybe that is because I just have been so busy the last week, or it could be that I know Jesus knows how much we want to start our family, and I know I need to trust Him. After all I have done everything I could have to take control of this and nope, not working so back to trust and peace. Which if I look back to a week ago, I would way rather be in a place of trusting Jesus and resting in His peace, than in the turmoil of last week.

Well that is all for now. I hope you guys all have a great day!

Leanne

Photo Shoot and Going Back to the Gym

Okay so my friend Katie is amazing and quick. She took our photo's yesterday. We haven't done this since we got married, plus I have lost a ton of weight (yes I am tooting my own horn). I weigh less than I did when we got married. I still have a bit to go, however we need a picture for the Christmas letter this year!


So here are some of the ones I like! We still have not picked the one for a the Christmas letter so we'll see.

So there they are. There are more on Facebook. I love my hubby! I am blessed by him, and so lucky to be married to him. He is one of the most amazing men ever, and he is super good looking!!!! :)

Today was also my first day back at the gym since the surgery. Oiy, surgery on your ovaries, and then three and a half weeks of not running sure make it difficult the first day back. It was good to be there though, and to start again working towards my goal of loosing 85 pounds and becoming the healthiest I have ever been in my life. We'll see what tomorrow holds I may be to tired to do squat. Oh well one day at a time!

This, That, and the Other

Nothing to new going on here. I am busy mostly with the enormous amount of fruit we have. Man do we ever have plumbs, pears, and apples coming out of our ears. I have taken care of the plumbs. Now I am busy cutting up the pears and drying them into pear chips and tomorrow I will go onto the apples, and I will also make a bunch of pies and freeze them. Oiy, when did I become s domesticated? No seriously I love being a house wife and I love getting to cook, just not the cleaning aspect.

Today Jeral and I have some pictures taken of us. We have not done this since our wedding, well we have taken self portraits, we just have not had anyone else take them for us. And lucky us my friend is a photographer, so she came out with her kids and took pictures of us. The sun was out, and it was a warm day today. So all in all great for taking pictures. I'll post some when we get them back. After the picture taking we settled in for a nice visit and a cup of tea.

I am realizing more and more that Jeral and I need to be intentional about going out of dates. We do not have children yet so we should not be a disconnected and out of touch with each other. We have time to connect and catch up on what is going on, and yet we both get some busy and just to plain old tired to communicate (laziness on our part). I remember my former boss and his wife telling us remember to keep dating once you are married. And we were like yeah, yeah we will. Well after about a year we go lazy and the intentional dating has not happened. Even tonight Jeral is now tired so the long warm bath in the jacuzzi tub we have is not going to happen. Oh well, such is life. I guess I am realizing that when we are intentional we bicker less and our marriage is overall much better.

Well those are my thoughts for now. Hope all is going well for everyone! Take care!

Faithful, Surrender, and Trust

It is late and I should be going to bed, however I am still thinking way to much to close my eyes just yet.

I have been thinking a bit here and there after yesterday's post. In all honesty I did a lot of numbing first and then the thinking afterwards.

One question that has been running through my head is,"What if Jesus decides that Jeral and I are not to be parents, will I be able to be happy with that?" Then I hear Joy's voice reminding me that our Heavenly Father is not the kind of Father who places a desire in our hearts only to snatch it and never fulfill it. I still place my hurts from my earthy father an mother onto my Heavenly Father. I still have my fears that He is messing with us, with me. Even though I say I know He is not messing with us, my actions do not follow suit. So maybe it is time to take that final leap of faith and surrender to Jesus everything I have been holding onto.

When I sit still and spend time with Jesus I feel that He has promised to one day open my ovaries and womb and bless us with children. About a year ago we felt Jesus was asking us to not give Him the back door. We felt he was asking us for a year. So maybe it is time to surrender to Him. Not because I have too, instead because I want too.

The Bible continually talks about Jesus being faithful even when we are not. The truth is my Heavenly Father has been faithful to both Jeral and I through this whole journey. Jesus knew that there were certain issues and unhealthy patterns in my life that we passed on by my parents to me, and that before I had children I wanted to make sure I was breaking the cycle so my future children would not have these passed onto them. I have been blessed to have had the last two years to work towards that goal. Jesus was faithful in that. He knew that desire so He in His love withheld another desire. So does this mean that He will forever with hold the desire to be a mom, to be a biological mom? I know that I am not able to answer that question. I do know He sees the bigger picture.

If I am honest I would say that I do not want to be barren and childless for the rest of my life just so I can help others who are walking through this journey. I am selfish, I want more than life itself to be a mother. To carry my child within me, to go through the pains of child birth, and to feel all the joys and heartaches of parenthood. I also know that today right now I am not in a place to say I know Jesus will help me get to place of being okay with never having children, and I know Jesus is okay with this because He would rather I be honest with where I am at than to have me lie about it. I also know that He will bring both Jeral and me to the place He wants us to be despite my days of kicking and screaming. Yesterday was a kicking and screaming day, and today, well today is a different day, a new day so we will see how today is lived out.

Now though it is off to sleep and rest in the arms of the One who loves us, the one who in the words of Zephaniah longs to sing over us.

In a Brief Moment

So I do not know where to begin. This entry is most likely going to be raw and packed full of emotion, so beware. This is my way of processing what is happening.

I just wish that when the bottom is about to fall out it would not happen right after I see my counsellor. The one person I would be able to fall apart in front of and not feel terrified too I just saw and now have to wait 2 more weeks to see. AHHHHHHHHH!

Something has come up. I am not going to go into details about it because I am a little worried that if those who this involved were to read the blog I would end up getting an angry phone call from them. However I will say it involves money a lot of money. As Jeral was talking about the situation I felt that I heard Jesus whispering give them the adoption money. After the sale of some quota on the farm Jeral and I set aside $15000 to adopt if we are not pregnant soon. After 20 months of trying we just want to start our family soon, and so we set aside the money. We did not feel this was going against Jesus asking us to give him a year with out actually pursuing the adoption process. We set the money aside in a GIC so that it was there when the year was over and we would not have to worry about where the funds for our child were going to come from. So to feel that I am hearing Jesus say give them the adoption money right now is pushing my faith beyond my limits right now.

I am confused and angry that in a moment and just one simple sentence and whisper would be able to steal my peace from me. For a month a whole month I was at peace with whatever happened in terms of biological or not biological children. We had a game plan. When the year was up then we would start the adoption process. Giving them that money was not in the plan. They will get the money in 2 more years like agreed upon, before I was even in the picture. So why now, why is this being brought up now, just as the year of waiting and "not giving God the back door" is almost over?

I feel as though he is asking me to let go of my last hope. Knowing that we would have the money to adopt and that we would have a child with in the next year gave me hope and the ability to be at peace. However I guess it was a faulty peace. It was a peace based on us having something in our back pocket to ensure that we would have a little MacKenzie Joy or Jacob Zachariah one day soon. It was not a peace based on complete trust in my Heavenly DADA.

Then I got furious at one point. Jeral at least got the choice as the weather or not he really wanted to be a biological father. I told him about my PCOS and that it may mean adopting one day, and I told Jeral I would not blame him or judge him if he decided he wanted biological children enough to decided to end our relationship and so he could pursue a relationship with some one else. I on the other hand never got a choice. Jesus never asked me if I wanted PCOS. I never got to say I am okay with not having children someday. I know I am over reacting just a little bit. I am going into my what if mode? What if we give the adoption money to them, as a step of faith that Jesus has heard our gut wrenching prayers and then I stay barren? What if then in 6 years when financially we will have no worries potential birth mothers won't look at us as perspective parents because Jeral will be 49? He does not want to be a grandfather when he is a father. I just so want to give him what is beyond my ability to give to him.

Maybe this is Jesus way of finally getting me to let go of hoping in the things I can do to fix the problem, so I can hold onto the One who is holding us and who is not messing with us or going to mess this up. Today is just a day where this journey hurts more than it has in a while.

Post Op Report

So amidst the heart ache of yesterday I totally forgot to blog about finally getting the post op report from my doctor.

So in short the finding were that yes I have PCOS. My ovaries were enlarged bi-laterally. So using 35 watts of electricity they drilled into my ovaries numerous times. The surgeon felt that my ovaries responded well from what he observed. Only time will really tell if the procedure is successful (aka- we get pregnant).

Upon investigation while inside of me my fallopian tubes, my uterus, pelvis, and cervix are all normal. Yeah for that. Some women have tilted uterus', and narrow cervix's, or twisted and blocked tubes and that is not the case for me. So happy to hear that.

We were at peace with whatever was found because we trust that Jesus wants the best for us, and has only the best for us. I have come a long way in this journey. And as I say that I am relieved that it appears my ovaries are the only issue in the fertility journey.

So now we continue the journey of adding to our family. It is a journey we decided to embark on 19 months ago. It is a journey we have struggled with, cried over, I have been angry and resentful towards God at times, and yet today I know that something is being grown in both Jeral and I that otherwise would not have had to chance to be grown. The last 19 months have challenged us, stretched us, and shaped us. So as we continue on the journey we ask for you prayers.

It is strange. I have come to realize that I have many friends and acquaintances that are also on the this journey with us. More than I ever actually thought. Fertility issues are all around us. For some reason God has chosen some of us to journey this struggle. So to all my friends and even those who I only know of, Jeral and I will continue to hold you up in our prayers, as we prayer also for us. You are not alone. None of us are alone.

Love and Prayers, Leanne and Jeral

Pray for the Newby's

I got an email this morning asking us to pray for some friends of ours. Tara, Preston, and their son Jacob were on their way up to Canada from Oregon for holidays with family and friends. They stopped at a motor vehicle accident scene to help out and some how Preston was killed while helping. Please pray for their families, and for Tara who is pregnant with their second child.

My heart aches for my friends. We love you guys!

Still Waiting and a New Freezer

So I am still waiting. Still waiting for the fax to find out what was done a week ago during surgery. I called my specialist office again today and asked if they had the report yet, and I was told very politely that no they had not received the report and that she has it noted to fax me the report right away once they have it.

On a more exciting note. Today my venture out of the house was going with my husband to the Brick to pick out a new deep freezer. We picked out a lovely black fridgidarie. Well we ordered one and Jeral will pick it up on Thursday. I am very excited about this because we have not had a deep freezer for over 2 years. The one we had went caput just before we got married. Now I will have room for freezer jam, and I will have room to organize all the frozen goods the way I want. I am so excited for it to arrive on Thursday.

After we got home I ventured out on my on for a bit and drove for the first time in a week. I have just been so tired lately that I have not had the energy to drive. So that was fun. I guess I should go make supper for my husband and I tonight. After a week of my husband cooking I think it is time for me to get back at it.

Something is Growing

I thought I would wait until I knew for sure what was all done during my surgery however I have thoughts swirling around in my head right now, so I am going to write now.

Something is being birthed in me. Something is being grown in me. My sister-in-law aptly said today this is the longest pregnancy ever. She meant in terms that something has been growing and is being birthed in me over the past 2 years.

The surgery is a part of this process. I may never have biological children and yet something is growing and changing me in the very core of who I am. To be a peace an trust that no matter what happened in the surgery Jesus loves me and only has me best in store is huge. I can tell you know that 2 years ago I would not have felt that way. Not even 6 months ago would have felt that way. Sometimes I want what I want when I want it. And sometimes I jump and grab at something before it is time. Sort of like a baby coming prematurely. Babies need the time in our wombs to grow and become strong enough to live and thrive in this world.

A few months ago I said to my counsellor I know that Jesus' best way of loving Jeral and I was not to give us a baby right away when we wanted him/her. I had still had so much from the past to face and heal from. And Jeral also had/has things to work on too. For some reason God wanted us to work on this stuff before we added to our family. Knowing this does not take away all the pain of not being able to get pregnant. However it does help me to see the hope beyond the pain. It also helps me to realize that while I may not have a baby growing inside of me right now, something else is being grown, nurtured and birthed.

Will I still have day where the yearning to add to our family overwhelms the beauty and hope o what I am able to see right now? Yes there will be days like that I am human after all. And this is all part of the journey. And an amazing journey it has been.

This surgery was just one more step in the journey. I was at peace if they had to remove everything because then there was some finality. We knew that biological children would then be out of the picture, and adoption was the way to go. And I am at peace right now not know what all was done. I can rest and trust that for the time being I do not need to know. I will find out soon enough. And I can rest in knowing that for now Jesus is calling us (Jeral and I) to trust and not open a door that for the time being Jesus has asked to leave closed. Even though Jesus would not stop us from doing that if that is what we chose to do.

Post Surgery

So I thought I would give a short update on how I am doing after my big day on Monday.

I still do not know what they all did because I was so out of it when I came to that I actually do not remember much. I do know that they kept me and extra 4 hours because I was passing out every time I tried to sit up, I also was de-sating ( not getting enough oxygen), so I was on oxygen the entire time. My blood pressure also kept bottoming out, and I was up chucking violently.

I had a pretty bad reaction to whatever the drug was that they used to knock me out, thus the puking. Once I got home around 7:30pm Jeral had to go check on the farm so my sister in law and a friend came over to take care of me. Apparently I was rather cute in my stoned and high state. I was a little mortified that I needed their help to go to the washroom and so on. Basically any time I moved I vomited. Not a pretty sight. However I was blessed to have my friends with me. Their presence was very healing. More on that later once I have formulated more thoughts.

We did drive to Abbotsford yesterday so I could see my counsellor today. That ended up being what I needed to get the message that I need to rest. I am pretty buggered up right now and very tired. Joy said that she did not think I would listen to her if she tried to tell me not to come, and she was right I would not have. So I am learning the hard way. I did promise that I would take the next few days to rest and let my body. I definitely did not expect to be this tired.

I am calling my doctor tomorrow to find out what was all done, so hopefully we will have some answer in the next few days.

As for now I am going to go to sleep. Thanks guys for all your prayers and support. Here is hoping that this worked and in the next few months I'll be pregnant.

Peace instead of Anxiousness

So on Monday September 8th, 2008 I am having surgery. It is day surgery, they are going in and Drilling my Ovaries. Now I am sure this sounds worse than it really is. The surgeon is going to make two incisions and then insert a scope, which will contain a laser that will be used to drill into different areas of my ovaries. Nothing to big. I was told the worst part will probably be the air the gets pumped into my stomach.

However I was also told that if something gets punctured that should not be punctured then they will have to open me up and fix the puncture, and if they see something wrong with my ovaries they may have to go in and remove one or both. I was at first rather anxious about this. However as I have spent time with Jesus, and envisioned my surgery. I have envisioned healing from both minor and major surgery (including my ovaries being removed), and I have come to a place of peace over everything.

I have come to a place of knowing that no matter the outcome Jesus knows what is best and he is not going to mess this up, or mess with me. If all goes as planned then great, and if we get pregnant awesome. If they have to go in and repair a puncture then I guess Jesus wants me to rest a little more and learn to sit still, because I will have to still and rest for a while. If by some chance both ovaries are over taken by cysts and they have to be removed then I will grieve the loss and trust that Jesus only has what is best for me in mind.

So with a peace like that the surgery can only be a success!!!!!!!

Camping In Osoyoos

Sorry we did not take pictures so this is a no picture post. For some reason we do not take tons of pictures all the time. Maybe though it was because of the wind and the fact that is was so cold. Oh well such is life and the way things go.

So we went camping this weekend. Well my kind of camping, with a beach near by and showers and flushing toilets. When we got there I said to Jeral are you glad we came camping, and he piped up and said this is not camping. In his mind we need to be out in the bush with no showers or flushing toilets. However we could be in a motor coach with nothing hooked up and that would be camping. I don't get him some days.

Both Saturday and Sunday Jeral and I went on a 12 km walk into town and back. It was great to get to spend time talking and connecting, and then going back and hanging out with friends. I honestly think Jeral and I talked more on this trip than the last one because we knew that alone time was going to be minimized.

Spending time with Miranda and Darrell and her family was great. I sure do miss hanging out with friends my age sometimes. And yet I am grateful and thankful for all my older and more mature friends. I truly and blessed to have so many friends, and I love you all!!!!!!!!!!

Last night we spent sometime with Grandpa, and my aunty Cindy. We had supper with them. With grandma being gone I feel that it is super important for Jeral and I to spend time with Grandpa, because I want grandpa to know that just because grandma is gone does not mean that he is no longer grandpa. Whether or not I am his biological grand daughter does not matter. He is the only grandpa I have ever know and so nothing changes. So we had a good time with them. Grandpa is hoping that I will be giving him a great grand baby soon. We'll see about that. My sister technically will be giving birth to a great grand baby before me, however I am the only one who makes any effort to visit so yeah enough said.

Now we are home, and boy oh boy am I ever having a tough time with my wireless connection, and this laptop is brand new. I just got it on Thursday. However it is an Acer and that could be the problem. I'll give it a few more days and if it does not get better by Saturday I will take the computer back and get a different Brand. Maybe a Dell? Who knows.

Well that is all for now. Have a great day and take care!

Saying Goodbye

Grief is a strange thing, and it comes in cycles. However today a new cycle of grief begins.

I was supposed to be driving to Oliver right now to see my grandma probably for the last time. My aunt called last night to tell me that she had about a week to live. I remember calling my mom last night to tell her and I said that it would be more merciful for God to take her now. I never thought though that I would not get to see her.

This morning my aunt called to tell me that grandma had passed away just 30 minutes before she called me.

So this is saying goodbye for me, if she were still alive I would say theses words to her.

Grandma I am sorry that we missed out on a relationship for all those years I was to afraid to come and visit because of dad.

I want you to know that I love you. Always have and always will.

I am going to miss you.

Do you remember how people used to say that I looked just like with my red hair. I would promptly tell them that yours was a dye job and mine was the real thing. Secretly though I liked being told I was like you, because I thought you were so beautiful, and strong, and I wanted to be like that too.

I used to think that you would live forever like all little girls do. Now the end has come and gone. I was supposed to be saying goodbye to you today, instead though you are gone. You slipped away quietly all by yourself. My heart aches because I will never get to see you again, at least not here on earth.

I love you Grandma, and goodbye.

In A Funk

So I have not been posting too much lately. I actually have been isolating a lot. If it were not for the fact that I have been going to the gym I would blame this last down time on the fertility drugs however I know that is not the case.

This is just another time to come to a place of hurting over not being able to get pregnant. For Jeral's birthday I was really hoping that the last round of fertility drugs would have worked. However that is not what happened. I know that we both just want to start our family, and we are having a tough time understanding why the time is not yet.

I know that when I look back on the last 18 months so much growth has happened. My time with Jesus and Joy in counselling has been huge. And I know that getting pregnant right away would have changed all that has happened. I would not trade the growth and healing that has taken place, even though the pain of not being able to get pregnant in great.

I also would not have changed or given up the time that I have had with Jeral. We have had time to work on our marriage and to make it stronger and better. Yes we have our bad days and our times of struggle and yet I know that our marriage is on much better and stabler ground because of this time together.

And still there is an ache in my heart. I am hurting there is no way around it. Some days are better than others. I am at the point where I have decided not to go to church for the past few Sundays because I find it too hard to go there and see a woman who in now pregnant, with a little miracle (no child is an oppsy even if the child was not planned). It just hurts to much to see other women who may not necessarily want to be pregnant, be pregnant if you know what I mean. I keep asking why is it that they get blessed with the one thing that we want so badly and yet that blessing is with held from us? I know that this is our story, and they have their stories. Knowing that still does not make it any easier.

Some days I wonder if God would just bless us with one child would we (I) be content, and would the pain go away? Or would I just want more? If the day ever comes that I do become pregnant I know that I will cherish my child, and never take them for granted because I did not have to pray and cry for so long.

I am just rambling. Honestly I am just not in a great place right now. I thought finding out that my Ovary Drilling was finally scheduled and taking place on September 8th would help me come to a better place. However not yet. I guess I cannot rely on tings to help me feel better. Oh well I think this rambling has gone on long enough.

Trying to Build Up Tolerance

So I am trying to build up my tolerance to raw vegetable. I happen to be allergic to raw vegetables. Not something that I would have minded as a child. However now as an adult I most definitely have some problems with this.

I am working hard on loosing weight, and so far I have succeeded. I also know though that the way I eat will cause me to plateau long before I want too, and my inability to eat raw veggies, is getting in the way. It really is a pain in the butt to always have to steam my veggies, and as such if I am lazy and don't want to be bothered with steaming them, then I grab for what ever else is on hand and easy.

Well today is day number one in my experiment to build up my tolerance to raw veggies again. I know that carrots, broccoli, and cauliflower are the worst, so for now I am staying away from those. I am starting off with cucumber and celery. If after a two weeks I can tolerate those well then I will attempt to add raw broccoli into the mix.

I can feel my throat doing something funny. However it is really the chest pains that get to me so if I can avoid those then I think this is a go.

Hopefully this will also help us with the hole pregnancy stuff. I need to eat healthy if I ever get pregnant and a part of that is veggies. I don't know when, or if I will ever get pregnant. I just want to be as healthy as I can be at that moment. I am right now that healthiest I have been in a few years. I still have more to do, however I know that I have already made the choices I need to continue down the road toward health.

Yesterday really prompted this for me. I was having a rough day, and I ate all the crap I could find in our house. I even went out and bought coke to drink. I found out that a lady in our Church is pregnant. Just a few days after I tell my counsellor I finally am getting it that Jesus not letting us get pregnant right away was the best way He could have loved me because I was so not ready to be a mom back then, I still had a lot of healing to do, and I still have more to go, I find out someone else is pregnant. I feel as though this is a test to see if I really meant what I said. The thing is I know it cannot be a test because I know that Jesus knows I meant what I said, when I said it. It feels like every time I come to a place of peace, someone else gets pregnant. I am not expecting that by coming to a place of peace that I will get pregnant, I just wish I did not feel that it is so up in my face.

I try so blasted hard to follow this diet and to exercise all in the hopes of #1- getting pregnant, and #2 - being healthy. I guess I still have the priorities wrong, and I should reverse those two. However that is still where I am at. I am really doing this in the hopes of getting pregnant. Yes even if I do not get pregnant I have every desire and intention to continue to eat right and workout. And yet I want children.

I know that I have given this all over to Jesus, and I know that his plans are best even when they hurt like hell for me. I know I can trust him, and that He is here with me. And I know his love enables me to face the pain, when all I want to do is run.

Okay so those are my ramblings for today. Take care everyone!

Love Leanne

Babysitting

Well obviously I have not had the time that I thought I would to blog about the adventures of being parents for a week. We have been busy and very tired. However today my friend has the girls for a bit so that gives me time to do some of the things that bring me life, such as blog. So here are some pictures of our adventure to date!

Jeral and Sophia at the park when we had a picnic.

Chloe with the ball

Sophia sitting on the blanket, with in a minute she was crying and in my arms!

Breakfast the first morning

Look at that smile!!!!

Playing on the toy car

Bath time!!!! I have never seen two girls who love bath time like these two girls!

Ready for Church!

I love these girls so much and giving them back on Saturday to their parents will be hard. Once I got over the oh my goodness is this really what motherhood is like, with the no sleep, I fell in love with being a mother. I am looking forward to the day that we adopt of the day that I give birth to my child, and a mother for real.